Creating ConnectionsHello Subscriber First Name, Oh boy. Where to start? We’re living through a seismic transition. Regardless of where you stand, the world outside is a swirl of disruption and . . . connection. For these monthly newsletters, I’ve chosen to focus on my work, and not politics. And yet, this month the two have begun to merge. As I witness the bravery and conviction of people from diverse backgrounds and political beliefs, one thing emerges over and over: they’re building and deepening connections. These relationships are the heart and driving force behind their actions. This past month, I’ve witnessed this same dynamic propelling transformations in three of my clients, let’s call them George, Ted, and Xavier. They were each inspired by a career-changing epiphany: that the most powerful way to lead, is to slow down, listen, and connect. George, Ted, and Xavier are extremely bright, driven, and fast-thinking. They each assumed that because they saw things faster and more clearly than their colleagues, it was their job to present the solutions. They were going for speed. They were highly regarded, and yet, they knew something was off. They were struggling to engage their teams. George is a rising leader who thought it was his responsibility to set the strategy and be the voice for his department. But his team was largely disengaged. He was concerned that he couldn’t trust them to find creative solutions on their own. Although he didn’t recognize that his actions were holding his team back, he did see that what he’d been doing wasn’t helping. George was open to experimenting with new ways of relating to his team, to break the stuck patterns. He started with a disengaged and unproductive team member. Instead of charging in with ideas, George slowed down and started asking questions. He opened up a creative dialogue that inspired his colleague to offer his own insights and solutions. George also stopped jumping in to respond to emails, so that his team could become the source—and face—of information for their external partners. In just a couple of weeks, the disengaged, unproductive colleague blossomed. He wrote daily emails to George, filled with updates and new ideas. His creativity and productivity were ignited! George continued this approach with his other colleagues and achieved similar success with them. Ted, a bright, fast-thinking leader, was zooming so fast, he missed that he was leaving team members behind. He hadn’t considered that some people might not absorb information as quickly as he could.
He learned this from a 360 assessment, where a colleague stated
it was hard to understand Ted’s thinking and that this impeded productive discussions. Ted pivoted his approach: he spent more time with his team members. He was surprised how slowing down, listening, and asking questions improved relationships. Several colleagues started to seek out his opinion, and others even offered helpful feedback. His least productive team member’s performance improved, as Ted focused on building rapport and understanding, rather than going for speed. Xavier started his engagement wanting to learn how to offer feedback to his team. He was very frustrated by the under-performers. He couldn’t figure out how to motivate them! Nothing worked, until he tried an experiment: delegating more and interfering less with the day-to-day solutions. Xavier realized he’d been a micromanager! Just as Ted and George learned, Xavier found that when he changed his behavior, there was an immediate shift in those around him. Xavier was amazed that when he let his team do the work, they did a beautiful job. For years, Xavier thought he was helping his team by jumping in! He hadn’t realized he was holding them back. When they felt his trust and respect, they were energized. Xavier then turned his attention to offering feedback. He’d never learned how to give meaningful feedback. He couldn’t imagine that it could be well-received. The culture at his organization was one where people didn’t offer feedback. Xavier equated feedback with criticism, until he witnessed the power of offering it with kindness, care and compassion. Xavier was a member of a coaching cohort where we focused on building trust, psychological safety, and witnessing the benefits of offering feedFORWARD—a process created by Marshall Goldsmith,
a brilliant executive coach and teacher. FeedFORWARD is offering suggestions on how someone can do something better tomorrow, rather than focusing on how they messed up yesterday. FeedFORWARD is received as helpful advice not pointed criticism. Xavier was committed to meeting his coaching goals, so he decided to practice offering some very direct feedback (and feedFORWARD) to a new colleague who’d become a friend. Through shared meals and long walks, they built up a level of trust and companionship that gave Xavier the confidence and courage to offer the feedback. He was relieved and amazed how well it went. When he told me how well the feedback was received by his colleague, he explained the secret: it was their positive connection that made it possible. The tool was the relationship. Exactly. George, Ted, and Xavier discovered the first step in becoming an inspiring and effective leader: build the relationships. When colleagues sense your interest in their ideas and their growth, they’ll flourish. This takes commitment and bravery. My clients first had to summon the courage to change. They had to stretch far outside their comfort zones and trust the process. They had to break patterns, and question their beliefs around what leadership looked like. Bravery and commitment to community is also what we’re witnessing around our country. Neighbors are creating connections, caring for each other, and standing together. Courage is Contagious.
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