Live and LearnHello Subscriber First Name, Many moons ago, I listened to an interview with a writer, talking about what he was like before he met his wife. He was reflecting on his pre-married self, when he lived alone—he thought he‘d be the most chill, easy-going roommate. He had no annoying habits and was super relaxed and easy to live with. Then Boom! He and his wife became roommates. As you can imagine, his wife informed him of his many annoying habits and all the things he needed to change. He hadn’t considered that the only reason he was so easy to live with, was there was no one to bump into. I remembered this story the other day, reflecting on a pattern I’ve noticed over and over with my clients. They’ll ask for help working through a conflict with a colleague. More often than not, the conflict erupts suddenly, out of nowhere. They know they want to repair the situation, but don’t know where to start. One thing that trips them up is their belief that as long as their intentions were good, they should be released from blame. If they didn’t mean to insult or offend the other person, why is that person so upset? Isn’t it good enough that they had good intentions? Nope. I’ve found that the most reliable way to repair is simply apologize for the impact of your behavior. Clients sometimes balk at this, saying they didn’t do anything wrong! They miss that the heart of any apology is shifting your focus from your intentions to the impact of your behavior on the other person. They haven’t considered how their comments may have hit a nerve or a tender spot. I explain that all of us have tender spots, and it’s not our place to judge or even understand the other person’s tender spots, but simply to accept that they exist. I stumbled on this fact of life by living with my sweetheart, Aldo. Before I met Aldo, I was happily single and living alone. I’d never had a roommate after college. When I moved to Boston for a job in 2001, I had an epiphany that I had developed as far as a human could by living alone. If I wanted to grow more deeply, I needed to do it in relationship with another human. Thus began my search for a husband. A couple of years later, I met Aldo and knew he was the one. When he moved in, we’d occasionally—and definitely unintentionally—say or do something that hit the other person’s tender spot. This was always followed by an immediate eruption. The first time this happened, I was shocked! All I had done was ask him if I could pour him another cup of coffee while he was sitting with his morning newspaper. He got so mad! I was confused. How could he be angry when my intention was to kindly offer him a refill? What I learned, when our tempers cooled down, was that it was very disruptive for him when I interrupted his train of thought. The intrusion was a jolt to his system. His response was immediate, because it hit a tender spot. Over the years, we’ve developed a system to repair any breach. It works every time, and sometimes within minutes—although some comments land very hard and require a longer cooling-off period. 1. Let things cool off for a couple of minutes—or longer. When we’re in a heated state, we can’t think clearly, and we’ll likely say harsh things we’ll regret later. 2. Check the other person’s readiness to begin the repair. It’s usually obvious if the other person is ready. Don’t start when YOU are ready, but when BOTH of you are. 3. If one of you needs to leave the room to cool off, don’t just storm out. Say: I need some time to cool off and I’ll be back in 10 minutes (or whatever length of time you think you need). It might be just a few minutes, or an hour or a day before you are ready to talk about it. I learned this from Aldo early in our relationship. When I walked out—
or stormed out—without saying when I’d return, he said it felt like he was being abandoned. Wow. By simply adding when I’d return, I kept us connected. I wouldn’t have considered this vital step without him! 4. Ask them about the impact. What was it that you said (or did) that hit so hard? Then stop talking and wait for them to answer. 5. Do NOT argue or make excuses, or even try to explain or justify your intention (yet). 6. Simply apologize for your impact, even if it was totally opposite to what you intended. With my offer of coffee, I was just trying to be nice and helpful. And . . . I needed to accept that to a different human, that action was an unwelcome intrusion. The same goes for feedback. I’ve seen offers of helpful feedback landing hard and in unexpected ways. 7. Once things cool down—it’s usually easy to notice this—and the other person has accepted your no-excuses apology, it’s OK to explain your intent. It is important for you to let the other person know you weren’t trying to be hurtful, and for you to share what your intentions were. 8. Test that the breach is fully healed. The question Aldo and I’ve worked out is: What do you need from ME for YOU to be OK? I believe that one reason apologies are not sufficient in healing a breach, is that we assume that as long as we’ve said I’m sorry, our work is done. Nope. We’re not mind-readers. We can’t be sure the other person is OK, unless we ask what they need. 9. Are we OK? This final question tests that all residual resentment and hurt has been cleared through the full process. It’s so important to do this final check, especially if YOU feel the two of you are good. We assume if we’re good, the other person has gotten what they need as well. Not necessarily! I’ve often said to my clients, that my sweet husband Aldo is my greatest teacher. My 2001 wish to grow in relationship is granted daily. He’s taught me that each of us is a microcosm of internal stories and tender spots that can be touched by our actions. My clients are my teachers as well. They test the experiments Aldo and I have cooked up in our personal laboratory. They reveal that although every human is different in infinite ways, our need for connection and understanding is the same across all our differences. Most importantly, as Aldo and I’ve discovered: with every breach you repair, you strengthen the trust and deepen the connection in your relationship. Learning in relationship amplifies your empathy and understanding of another human’s needs and expectations. Our relationships are intimate laboratories inviting us to test new ways of being kinder and more thoughtful humans. . . . . . A CAVEAT to the 9-step process above. If, during a fight, you DID intend to cause harm, because you were feeling so hurt by something they said, then that is a deeper discussion for another day. The process above is for the minor tiffs or small bumps in the road that are NOT an expression of pent up unresolved grievances and hurt. We can talk about that another day.
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